A few weeks ago, a friend suggested that instead of making resolutions, we just have a word that describes our overall goal for the year. Since she said that, I’ve seen this idea popping up all over FB and other social media sights, so it must be a thing.
I mean….okay….I’ll play. :)
I’ve been hustling lately, between holidays, adjusting to a new work schedule and finishing up my first semester of school. I’ve been loving it but also feeling a little worn at both ends, so to speak. As I’ve had a few quiet moments here and there, I’ve pondered this question.
What would I choose as my word for 2019?
A few solid options have crossed my mind:
As a stay-at-home-mom for a decade, I felt and continue to feel dependent. It doesn't help that this is the actual term the military uses for me as a spouse: dependent. I’ve felt my self-confidence shrivel as I’ve moved around the country, always dependent on my husband’s career for my survival. I realize that this is a lovely problem to have. I realize that many women (and men) would love to be in this position, to have someone care for their needs and provide for their well-being. I realize many women would give an arm and leg to be able to stay home with kids and not worry about finances, so it isn’t without full appreciation of the good in my situation that I also feel some of the restrictions. I want a little more independence for myself, which isn’t to say I want to move to Paris and get a studio apartment and take a lover named Luc - it’s simply to say I’d like to have a little small fire of my own now that my kiddos are old enough to pack their own lunches and properly dress themselves.
Along with the lack of confidence I’ve felt slowly creep over me as the years have gone by, I think I’ve just gotten less courageous. Life is very comfortable, and comfort sometimes makes us complacent. I don’t take big chances, which sometimes makes me wise and prudent and sometimes just makes me afraid. I’ve been afraid to self-publish my novel. I’ve been afraid to go back to school. I’ve been afraid to work, lest my children suffer or I find out all bosses are 21-year-old girls with PhDs. It’s amazing how slowly and insidiously fear creeps into our lives.
Obviously, with work, school and mom-life, balance is an issue. But to be fair, balance has always been an issue for me because I love nothing more than extremes. I love to binge eat cookies all at once, watching dodgy TV shows and lightly sweating, rather than eat one cookie a day, every day, all moderate and sensible. I love to travel to extreme places and get all grungy and dirty and then roll up to a 5-star hotel and take a hot bath in an enormous tub and order room service. Life is best, for me, at the edges. But as y’all may have guessed, in terms of sustainability, this can be a challenge. And with kids and a husband and now this beloved dog, balance is seeming more exciting than a moped ride through the jungles of Cambodia.
But none of these words seemed like just the right word for 2019. I pondered more, let a few days pass, and I’ve finally concluded that the only word that sums up what I want from 2019 is…..
What if everything I do this year I do with the idea of making it solid, legit, excellent? What if I don’t phone it in? What if I don’t half-ass it?
What if I do it all with a full ass?
What if I clean this house and put the clutter away and whittle down my closet and only wear the stuff that looks decent on me and do my make-up each morning and make my bed and work out on the daily and kill it as an editor and study my ass off and play Monopoly with my kids and just do everything with intention and excellence?
I mean, could it get better than that?
In the end, I believe it’s only this mentality that makes us anything: successful, happy, balanced, at peace, etc.
I’ve never found half-assing it to be the road to self-actualization, happiness or confidence. And believe me….I gave it the good college try. I really did.
But the Universe seems to keep whispering to me…work harder, Amy. Do better. Focus.
Maybe aiming for excellence will leave me curled up in a ball in the corner of my bedroom crying uncle.
Or maybe…it will be just the thing I need to push me over the proverbial edge of mediocrity.
What is your word for 2019?
And come on….you can think of a word.
(Is it Thursday? Does anyone even know anymore?)
Full-Ass Image found at Duchess Roz